Ramblin’ Scramble

Well, the title pretty much covers it. It seems The Cure has put out a new album (well, Released: 28 Oct 2008, 13 tracks [52:42]), and I just found it. I happened to be downloading a FLAC discography (I have physically purchased almost every album at least once) of The Cure and noticed that there is an album that I didn’t have before.

So… I ran on over to my good ol’ Last.fm and searched it out. Seems, for the time being at least, that the whole album can be listened to in it’s entirety  on Last.fm… while you are there, do a search for “The Glove - Blue Sunshine Deluxe” (well, if you like Robert Smith, anyway) you may find it interesting.

Speaking of Robert Smith side gigs that aren’t easy to come by, can anyone tell me how to actually find “Perfect Blue Sky”? I thought it was on Junkie XL’s Radio JXL - A Broadcast from Computer Hell Cabin… but it’s not. Oh well….

Oh, a few notes to any possible “readership” that I may actually have.

• I have initiated open sign-up.
• Last.fm play-list on the right… check it out.
• SLK now has authorization to write for the site.
• Still looking for anyone that wants to add content.

to paraphrase those long nosed gray bastards: “So long, and I fucking hate fish.”

Apparently, the good people over at Thinkgeek.com have found Tea picked by Monkeys from China or something. The sales pitch is pretty much just; “Holy shit, they trained monkeys to pick tea leaves and you can buy it!”… yeah… monkeys… the same little beasts that stick their fingers into their (and other) little monkey sphincters and then fling poo at you when they are upset.

I noticed the monkey picked tea deal a while back (because I receive the prestigious ThinkGeek spam email) and mentioned it to a colleague (Karma the Black Ops Hippie) that I thought might find it amusing. He then went on to write a nice little take on their “humorous” sales pitch. I then jacked up his writing and edited it for readability (adding a couple of humorous lines myself).

Touched by a Monkey

The wind blows the blossoms in the garden.

Otherwise known as monkey flatulence…

The monk breathes in. The air is crisp; the world is good.

”Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Makes me wanna kungfu sumpn!

The only thing missing is some tea.

So… the world is only good, not great.

Alas, the tea tree branches are too high and the mountain face is too steep. He stops in thought. His monkey, however, knowing his master wants tea, climbs the mountain face, picks the leaves, and brings them to the monk. And the tea was so delicious, other people began training their monkeys to pick it.

And so the legend goes… a device commonly used when you want to get away with pure, transparent fabrication.

After searching across four continents, we found this unbelievable tea.

Wait… which four continents were searched? Where the hell did they find the legend that set them on the “Mystical Monkey Tea Trail” in the first place? This is starting to sound like a big fat tax-write-off (aka. LIES) to me.

The lovely folks who package the tea for us say:

What do you need “lovely folks” for, when you have well trained monkey slaves?

“Nowadays the practice of monkeys picking tea has all but died out,”

More like: “Nowadays the destitute 14-yr-old slave girls have matured enough to escape confinement.”

“except in one small remote village where…”

“…they chain the gimpy kids in wheel chairs to the production equipment”
meaning: “you can’t find this remote village on your own to verify our fable so don’t even try to come ‘rescue’ our ‘monkeys’, bitch!”

“where they still continue this remarkable tradition.”

Yes! The tradition of lying to people about monkeys.

“No monkeys are harmed or mistreated in order for us to bring this rare brew to you!”

Talk about riding the fence; “We don’t have to actually pay ‘monkeys’! We get to keep all your money for ourselves!” Wait.. they say, “to bring…” I think they are just glossing over the fact that the “training” does, in fact involve beating the tar out of the monkeys!

And boy are we glad we found it. The legendary flavor is something that can only be tasted to be believed.

Boy are we glad you can’t verify this bullshit! Buy it, whether you believe us or not.

Monkey Picked Tea is truly in a class by itself. Full of antioxidants,

… and monkey juice. Maybe that’s where all the antioxidants come from.

this tea will calm your soul, temper your spirit, and put you in divine touch with your monkey ancestors.

It’s laced with something that will sear your conscience to the point that you’ll even believe in Evolution, though we reference the Divine, while we poke fun at your “ancestors”.

Each package is 57g (about 2oz) of the finest loose tea you’ll ever taste. Each bag makes approx. 28 servings of tea.

Each package is 57g (about 20% monkey feces) of the cheapest tea we could find. Each bag makes approximately “Ass loads of CASH”!

Thank you, ThinkGeek.com… for your amusing attempt at selling me your dirty slave picked monkey feces laden tea.

I also wanted to point out some weird shit on this package.

<– Note in the bottom right, they have to tell you flat out, “edible”… that just doesn’t instill the type of trust I put in a box of Lipton Tea Bags.

Then there are those four boxes in the bottom left.

“Sorry! Game Piece”
“Oh Shit, COBRA!”
“WTF? Scorpion, Too!”
“Oh, and tea leaves.”

“Sorry, venomous stinging tea inside!” seems to be the best case scenario I can get from reading those pictograph boxes. If anything you can come up with, anything that sounds appetizing from that package… well… apparently Monkey Picked Tea is for you!

So, I used Cheap Tickets to acquire a travel package based on their proposed pricing… cheap. I set the flight and hotel up before setting up the rest of my R&R and thought nothing of it until I realize that I needed more time before my trip. What was I to do?!! “I know!” I said to myself in a perfect British accent (I always talk that way in my head), “I’ll go back to Cheap Tickets, for they are sure to have a Change and/or Cancellation ability attached to my package deal!”

Quickly, I clenched my mouse and began performing the sweeping movements and clicking procedures needed to find a link from the email they sent me. I found what I needed in the form of a link from my Confirmation Email… it took me to a page that proudly proclaimed (in text… no fanfare) that “Most flights and hotels reservations can be changed online at Cheap Tickets!”… ‘GASP!’ My dreams are reality! Once more to the mouse!

A few clicks, sweeps and password attempts later, I was looking at a new web page that read, “You can’t do this, bitch! HAHA! You purchased a package deal! Henceforth you will be our torture kitten and you must call this phone number!”

I wept… mainly I wept at the foul language and imagery that Cheap Tickets used on me. I then proceeded with my phone call of doom.

“Thank you for calling Cheap Tickets. If you would like to make a new reservation, say New. If you would like to inquire about an existing reservation, say Existing.”

uh…. ‘Existing’

“Please say your name.”

‘Everett Abbott’

“Pfft.. Hah, tricked you! No really, just type in your phone number.”

fucking son of a… ‘beepBEEPbeEpBEeepBeePBeePBEEPbEEpBeEpbEeP’

“You have one reservation for FEBRUARY 4th to SAN FRANSISCO CALIFORNIA. Would you like to talk about this reservation?”

‘Yes’

“Would you like for me to read your itinerary for FEBRU..”

‘NO’

….. it went on until I got to an actual person. Now, I say that with a grin because we all know the things talking on the other end of that line aren’t real people. They are fucking demons… demons with funny voices that sound like they are speaking with an affected American accent through a sweaty ball sack.

The nice demon on the other end of the line confirmed some more info and promptly put me on hold for five minutes. Then the demon comes back on the line and asks what I want.

“Yes, I need to push the departure for my trip back to the 7th from the 4th of February.” I say to the whirling verbal dervish of affected ‘Mer’can accent and ball sack.

She (the DEMON) asks me a few more questions like, “Would you like to change your hotel reservation as well?” and “You know we’re going to take this chance to ass rape you with fees?” and “Do you like it when I ram my spike covered she-cock of repeated stupidity down your throat?” and then put me on hold for ten more minutes…

I was starting to doze… then “Uh.. Sorry, Sire, but it’s not taking the change. I’m going to put you on hold!” I blanched and babble, “B b b but wait I just… shit… there’s that classical music again.” I was gaining a hatred for Mozart when played by midget grasshoppers in a tin can.

“Uh, sir? Are you still there?” The demon asks with mock sympathy.

I have lost all sense of time by this point and reply, “Huhwhahuh, what? Yeah YEAH! I’m still here.”

The Demon sighs… “Sir, the system is down or something and… uh, call back in two hours or something. You know, since this is all jacked up, how about I give you a 25$ travel voucher!” I could almost here the prize wagon….

“Ma’am, would I be able to use this travel voucher on this trip?” I know the answer, but want to hear her say it.

“No, sir, not on this trip.”

I’m getting belligerent, “You don’t actually think I’ll be using Cheap Tickets again, so that 25$ is safe… right?”

“What?” She’s pretending like they don’t think this shit through, “Sir, when you call back in two…”

“I can’t call back in two hours!” I say through clenched teeth.

“How about tomorrow?” She’s laughing at me!

“….. yes…. I’ll call… tomorrow.” And that’s when my head exploded… I spent the rest of my day cleaning up.

NOTE: Today is the Tomorrow spoken of. I wrote this story while on hold with a new demon. Today the demon gave me a better refund after fees than the demon from yesterday. Yesterday’s demon quoted me 47$ refund payable to my credit card (before telling me to fuck off) while today’s demon quoted 120$… I think I may have gotten a demon from a higher level of hell, today.