“Monkey” picked tea, at Thinkgeek.com
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
Apparently, the good people over at Thinkgeek.com have found Tea picked by Monkeys from China or something. The sales pitch is pretty much just; “Holy shit, they trained monkeys to pick tea leaves and you can buy it!”… yeah… monkeys… the same little beasts that stick their fingers into their (and other) little monkey sphincters and then fling poo at you when they are upset.
I noticed the monkey picked tea deal a while back (because I receive the prestigious ThinkGeek spam email) and mentioned it to a colleague (Karma the Black Ops Hippie) that I thought might find it amusing. He then went on to write a nice little take on their “humorous” sales pitch. I then jacked up his writing and edited it for readability (adding a couple of humorous lines myself).
Touched by a Monkey
The wind blows the blossoms in the garden.
Otherwise known as monkey flatulence…
The monk breathes in. The air is crisp; the world is good.
”Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Makes me wanna kungfu sumpn!
The only thing missing is some tea.
So… the world is only good, not great.
Alas, the tea tree branches are too high and the mountain face is too steep. He stops in thought. His monkey, however, knowing his master wants tea, climbs the mountain face, picks the leaves, and brings them to the monk. And the tea was so delicious, other people began training their monkeys to pick it.
And so the legend goes… a device commonly used when you want to get away with pure, transparent fabrication.
After searching across four continents, we found this unbelievable tea.
Wait… which four continents were searched? Where the hell did they find the legend that set them on the “Mystical Monkey Tea Trail” in the first place? This is starting to sound like a big fat tax-write-off (aka. LIES) to me.
The lovely folks who package the tea for us say:
What do you need “lovely folks” for, when you have well trained monkey slaves?
“Nowadays the practice of monkeys picking tea has all but died out,”
More like: “Nowadays the destitute 14-yr-old slave girls have matured enough to escape confinement.”
“except in one small remote village where…”
“…they chain the gimpy kids in wheel chairs to the production equipment”
meaning: “you can’t find this remote village on your own to verify our fable so don’t even try to come ‘rescue’ our ‘monkeys’, bitch!”
“where they still continue this remarkable tradition.”
Yes! The tradition of lying to people about monkeys.
“No monkeys are harmed or mistreated in order for us to bring this rare brew to you!”
Talk about riding the fence; “We don’t have to actually pay ‘monkeys’! We get to keep all your money for ourselves!” Wait.. they say, “to bring…” I think they are just glossing over the fact that the “training” does, in fact involve beating the tar out of the monkeys!
And boy are we glad we found it. The legendary flavor is something that can only be tasted to be believed.
Boy are we glad you can’t verify this bullshit! Buy it, whether you believe us or not.
Monkey Picked Tea is truly in a class by itself. Full of antioxidants,
… and monkey juice. Maybe that’s where all the antioxidants come from.
this tea will calm your soul, temper your spirit, and put you in divine touch with your monkey ancestors.
It’s laced with something that will sear your conscience to the point that you’ll even believe in Evolution, though we reference the Divine, while we poke fun at your “ancestors”.
Each package is 57g (about 2oz) of the finest loose tea you’ll ever taste. Each bag makes approx. 28 servings of tea.
Each package is 57g (about 20% monkey feces) of the cheapest tea we could find. Each bag makes approximately “Ass loads of CASH”!
Thank you, ThinkGeek.com… for your amusing attempt at selling me your dirty slave picked monkey feces laden tea.
I also wanted to point out some weird shit on this package.
<– Note in the bottom right, they have to tell you flat out, “edible”… that just doesn’t instill the type of trust I put in a box of Lipton Tea Bags.
Then there are those four boxes in the bottom left.
“Sorry! Game Piece”
“Oh Shit, COBRA!”
“WTF? Scorpion, Too!”
“Oh, and tea leaves.”
“Sorry, venomous stinging tea inside!” seems to be the best case scenario I can get from reading those pictograph boxes. If anything you can come up with, anything that sounds appetizing from that package… well… apparently Monkey Picked Tea is for you!
