Ramblin’ Scramble

So, I used Cheap Tickets to acquire a travel package based on their proposed pricing… cheap. I set the flight and hotel up before setting up the rest of my R&R and thought nothing of it until I realize that I needed more time before my trip. What was I to do?!! “I know!” I said to myself in a perfect British accent (I always talk that way in my head), “I’ll go back to Cheap Tickets, for they are sure to have a Change and/or Cancellation ability attached to my package deal!”

Quickly, I clenched my mouse and began performing the sweeping movements and clicking procedures needed to find a link from the email they sent me. I found what I needed in the form of a link from my Confirmation Email… it took me to a page that proudly proclaimed (in text… no fanfare) that “Most flights and hotels reservations can be changed online at Cheap Tickets!”… ‘GASP!’ My dreams are reality! Once more to the mouse!

A few clicks, sweeps and password attempts later, I was looking at a new web page that read, “You can’t do this, bitch! HAHA! You purchased a package deal! Henceforth you will be our torture kitten and you must call this phone number!”

I wept… mainly I wept at the foul language and imagery that Cheap Tickets used on me. I then proceeded with my phone call of doom.

“Thank you for calling Cheap Tickets. If you would like to make a new reservation, say New. If you would like to inquire about an existing reservation, say Existing.”

uh…. ‘Existing’

“Please say your name.”

‘Everett Abbott’

“Pfft.. Hah, tricked you! No really, just type in your phone number.”

fucking son of a… ‘beepBEEPbeEpBEeepBeePBeePBEEPbEEpBeEpbEeP’

“You have one reservation for FEBRUARY 4th to SAN FRANSISCO CALIFORNIA. Would you like to talk about this reservation?”

‘Yes’

“Would you like for me to read your itinerary for FEBRU..”

‘NO’

….. it went on until I got to an actual person. Now, I say that with a grin because we all know the things talking on the other end of that line aren’t real people. They are fucking demons… demons with funny voices that sound like they are speaking with an affected American accent through a sweaty ball sack.

The nice demon on the other end of the line confirmed some more info and promptly put me on hold for five minutes. Then the demon comes back on the line and asks what I want.

“Yes, I need to push the departure for my trip back to the 7th from the 4th of February.” I say to the whirling verbal dervish of affected ‘Mer’can accent and ball sack.

She (the DEMON) asks me a few more questions like, “Would you like to change your hotel reservation as well?” and “You know we’re going to take this chance to ass rape you with fees?” and “Do you like it when I ram my spike covered she-cock of repeated stupidity down your throat?” and then put me on hold for ten more minutes…

I was starting to doze… then “Uh.. Sorry, Sire, but it’s not taking the change. I’m going to put you on hold!” I blanched and babble, “B b b but wait I just… shit… there’s that classical music again.” I was gaining a hatred for Mozart when played by midget grasshoppers in a tin can.

“Uh, sir? Are you still there?” The demon asks with mock sympathy.

I have lost all sense of time by this point and reply, “Huhwhahuh, what? Yeah YEAH! I’m still here.”

The Demon sighs… “Sir, the system is down or something and… uh, call back in two hours or something. You know, since this is all jacked up, how about I give you a 25$ travel voucher!” I could almost here the prize wagon….

“Ma’am, would I be able to use this travel voucher on this trip?” I know the answer, but want to hear her say it.

“No, sir, not on this trip.”

I’m getting belligerent, “You don’t actually think I’ll be using Cheap Tickets again, so that 25$ is safe… right?”

“What?” She’s pretending like they don’t think this shit through, “Sir, when you call back in two…”

“I can’t call back in two hours!” I say through clenched teeth.

“How about tomorrow?” She’s laughing at me!

“….. yes…. I’ll call… tomorrow.” And that’s when my head exploded… I spent the rest of my day cleaning up.

NOTE: Today is the Tomorrow spoken of. I wrote this story while on hold with a new demon. Today the demon gave me a better refund after fees than the demon from yesterday. Yesterday’s demon quoted me 47$ refund payable to my credit card (before telling me to fuck off) while today’s demon quoted 120$… I think I may have gotten a demon from a higher level of hell, today.