Ramblin’ Scramble

There’s a game coming out for the Wii (just typing that makes me feel dirty) called No More Heroes. The game looks pretty cool with it’s “Plasma Katana” and and motion sensitive fighting controls. It even has some hand to hand moves. I’d even go so far as to say that the assassin ladder climbing story looks to have some promise. Sound pretty cool!

Then…. then I watched the No More Heroes Trailer and realized that the peoples at Ubisoft (how the hell do you pronounce Ubisoft?) have been infected by the zany asexual antics from Japan. Seriously… go watch the trailer! About two thirds of the way through, you’ll see the main character “charging” his “plasma katana” by vigorously shaking it up and down between his legs! I nearly shot coffee out of my nose when I saw that! If you’ve watched the trailer, you’ll note the “energy growth” bar on the right and a nice little sound effect. Now every time I am stroking off a load I’ll be hearing that damned noise in my head… looks like my sex life is ruined!

I was actually considering the purchase of a Wii… but if all I am getting is a virtual masturbation machine, I’m thinking it may be a little redundant. I mean, what the hell do you need that for? If you’re going to spank the hell out of something you may as well be spanking the actual instead of the virtual… at least you’ll be done in a couple of minutes and take a nice nap.

Oh! And what the hell?!

Since I’m pissing on Ubisoft, I might as well point out that they are also the people that brought us the Beowulf: The Movie; The Game on PSP. See, I made the mistake of buying this filthy piece rejected garbage without reading any reviews on it. Or… I should say, I didn’t actively go out and look for TRUSTED reviews. I did see something that put forth the idea that Beowulf PSP = Kinda God of War! The same preview pointed out the button match scheme for special moves and boss fights of God of War was reflected in Beowulf. It went on to say wonderful things about squad commands and cooperative AI team mates. Then I saw the game (it was the only one on the PSP shelf) and decided, what the hell… Beowulf +God of War +squad based combat just has to be cool.

There are so many ways I was wrong that I can’t even comprehend a way to make this game worse without having the person selling it to you kick you square in the balls, set your head on fire and urinate on your smoldering scalp while taking your money. This has got to be one of the most frustrating games I’ve played since ET on the fucking Atari… and yeah, I played that bitch.

Let me give you a time line of the life of this game in my PSP:

Day #1:

0830: I’m walking through the video game aisle at my local retailer and notice Beowulf The Movie The Game of PSP on the rack. “Hm… this is that game that is like God of War with squad based combat.” I look around and see there are no other new PSP titles… or any other PSP titles at all. “Alright, into the basket with you, Beowulf.”

0900: I arrive back at my place of hiding/residence and slap Beowulf into my PSP.

‘Loading’ “Hmm.. that loading icon looks frozen.. no wait, I think it just moved. Oh… wait… ok, there it goes.”

‘Press Start’ “Ok, new game… name the save file… ok, here we go.”

‘Loading’….. ‘Loading’ “Pfft… must be a freaking FMV.”

‘Loading’ “What the fuck? Ah, here we go…”

‘FMV with soggy sounding voice’ “Good thing there’s sub titles on this.”

‘FMV Done, Loading’ “Oh come the fuck on…”

‘Loading’ “This is starting to look like a theme.”

‘The obligatory Tutorial Level Starts’ “So… what the hell am I supposed to be doing?”

‘Run around in circles and eventually meet up with a guy I am apparently racing… after he has reached an end point’ “Well, shit.. I’ll restart the level”

‘This time run ahead of guy and realize that it’s not really a race’ “Son of a… ok, I guess I have to fight off the crabs or something… what? Oh…. I can pick up a stick!”

‘Hit crabs with stick’ “Why can’t I hit this dude that I am supposed to be competing with? Why is my stick breaking? What the hell is wrong with this game’s targeting… there is no targeting!”

‘Make it to the end of the pretend race and start another FMV… LOADING’ “I really shouldn’t grind my teeth… my little Thai dentist lady would not approve.”

‘LOADING’ “I wonder what I’ll do on my next R&R”

‘Kill Sea Serpent… things’ “Uh… fuck, how do I hit them? I just walk up and swing at the… fuck, he knocked me on my ass. I’ll just hit block next time he… FUCK! Block doesn’t work… so just wale on this giant snake and… Ok, he’s down.”

‘HIT X’ “Shit, hitting X, and this is supposed to be what they think God of War was like?”

‘Continue waling on snake thing’ “There… he’s dead! What? Three more? Are you fucking kidding me?”

‘Snip ten minutes of cursing while I learn the finer points of falling on my ass repeatedly’ “Next level please! Jesus…. Hey, there’s the guys and we’re going to learn the squad combat system!”

‘Your choices are tell them to attack, stand there or move shit’ “Huh… maybe they only need prompting to… ”

‘Squad>Attack’ “Still no targeting… and they only seem to attack people whenever they get hit… or feel like it.”

‘Squad>Move Boulder’ “I have to select each one and tell him to do something… I want them all moving the boulder and I have to tell them one at a time… this is retarded.”

‘All your guys are now moving boulder, rape team alpha is now here to beat you while your men watch’ “Guys! FUCK! I’m getting my ass beat… and my sword just broke… and my shield… and I’m dead…. But look! They’re almost done moving that boulder!”

‘Restart level’ “Ok, let’s try this again… You and you start moving that boulder… I’ll stand way over here and watch. Let’s try not to trigger the rape crew.”

‘Boulder moved’ “Ok, let’s…. hmm… this map is useless… Ok, I guess we follow the trail.”

‘You can charge Berserker and release to kill shit without taking damage!’ “Better charge that up… now here come some more rape artists”

‘Break Box - Found new weapon’ “Cool, an axe! Huh… combos are still ass… at least I do more damage.”

’swing like a tard at random because you aren’t allowed to target anything in particular’ “What the hell, man… how is this man strong enough to break a sword in ten minutes but can’t kill a man without waling about his head for five minutes?”

‘made it to some semi boss battle… I think’ “Berserker mode is GO! HAHAHA! Wait… FUCK! I’m killing my own squad?! How the hell does that help? Shit… and I’m dead again.”

‘RIP GAME FROM PSP AND TOSS TOWARD TRASH’ “Fuck this, I am going to bed.”

Day #2:

0745: ‘Enter room’ “Hmm… Beowulf missed the trash. I guess I may have just been in a mood or something, this thing can’t be that bad.”

‘Beowulf returned to PSP’ “I’ll give it one more try.”

‘Loading’ “Oh yeah… I remember this shit.”

‘Reload level that made you toss the game?’ “Ugh… my sphincter is already contracting”

‘Loading’ ” Oh yeah… little retards don’t actually follow orders… and there goes my shield.”

‘Hey, here come a bunch of guys to surround you’ “HOLY SHIT! BLOCK DOESN’T WORK!”

‘SQUAD > ATTACK!!’ “They’re just standing there… no wait, they are ganged up on a guy. And… they aren’t actually hitting him?”

‘HAHA You been punked bitch!’ “I Can’t get out of this circle of enemies and my crew is over there having a conversation with an enemy… this is… Why can’t I block?”

‘You’re dead!’ “Oh fuck this! FUCK THIS!”

‘Rip game from PSP, Grab Camera set to Video Mode’ “I’ve got a review for you, Beowulf!”

‘Begin filming as I crumple the PSP disk in my fist’ “HAHAHAH! FUCK YOU!”

‘Microwave the UMD Disc that was inside’ “There… I need a smoke.”

That is a true account of Beowulf The Movie The Game for PSP’s life span in my hands… it seriously sucked.. I didn’t even point out the fact that the FMV was choppy and usually cut out before the last line of dialog was complete… or the fact that the Story portrayed in the FMV didn’t even match the actual things you were doing in the game play half the time.