Open letter to Wasps…
March 11th, 2009Dear Wasps,
Fuck you… I mean that in the most intensely evil and hate filled capacity that the term can construe. If I could think of another term that would put forth the amount of hatred and loathing that I have for you, I would use it as well.
You may be asking yourself, “where does this bald fat bastard get off! How can he just target a whole species (actually Family of Vespidae, Genus Polistes) with such ill will?” And for most species, these would be valid questions… in your case, no… you are all just dicks.
There are a few of you that stand out in my view of why Wasps are such vile and loathsome creatures, and I will tell you why.
First, there is the good ol’ Red Wasp (we have a couple of kinds around here) that I believe are Polistes Carolina or Perplexus. You guys fucking piss me off. What the hell is the matter with you? I mean, sure… you gotta protect your nest and shit, but dive bombing a human is a stupid idea. You fuckers have anger issues that you need to sort out. How your species is still around in this day and age of Wasp Killing Sprays is beyond me. Every time I step outside now I have to check the eve of the house to make sure none of you retards are perched and waiting. It’s got me so upset that I am actually going to climb up in our fiberglass and spider filled attic in an effort to eradicate you.
Then there is the Red Wasps that I couldn’t find an accurate Taxonomy on… Quite like the Carolina/Perplexus crew, you are also fucking assholes… you just seem to be slightly smarter in that you don’t attack me from the nest area. It’s like you bastards have figured out how to set up outlying posts from which to do your generally asinine antics. That doesn’t mean I won’t kill you, too… oh no, I have figured out how to watch you winged demons as well. I have noted that you seem to have several ambush points around that tree out front and I will back track your happy asses to your base of operations… and then I am going to burn/spray until every last one of you is all siezed up and littering the ground.
So, in closing, let me extend this last bit of helpful information to all those Hymenoptera that I haven’t called Jihad on…
- Bees, keep making honey. I am willing to let you guys slide, because you pollinate my food and give me a sweet treat that I can mix with Peanut Butter… mmm.
- Ants, keep cleaning up all the junk that you like… I understand that you serve a purpose and I don’t mind that you like to come through the house every once in a while… just try and stay outa the kitchen (Except for fucking Fire Ants! I’m buying stuff to kill you when I buy the wasp spray today… teach you to ruin a lazy day in the back yard.).
- Mud Dobbers (aka Potter Wasps, aka Mason Wasps), you assholes need to leave the damned garage alone. Seriously… and stay away from the Spiders! I like those guys… they eat all kinds of unsavory bugs that you tend to ignore. I don’t really have anything against you mud slinging gimps, but you need to realize that if I get buzzed by another of you guys while walking to the car… there will be some serious retribution (see Red Wasp bit up there.)
Thank you,
Everett…
Wow… I’m still kinda dumbfounded by this one. The Internet just proved to be something more than a porn and game delivery service! No, really! I’ll give you a second to stop laughing at me… seriously… shut up.
When I picked up the phone I dearly dropped it… I’d just paused The Lost Room with a frame of Joe holding the Gallup Photo in his hand. I was looking at the caller I.D…. with the caller identified as “GALLUP”. I quickly hit the answer button and said in a timid voice, “H… hello.”




