Ramblin’ Scramble

Dear Wasps,

Fuck you… I mean that in the most intensely evil and hate filled capacity that the term can construe. If I could think of another term that would put forth the amount of hatred and loathing that I have for you, I would use it as well.

You may be asking yourself, “where does this bald fat bastard get off! How can he just target a whole species (actually Family of Vespidae, Genus Polistes) with such ill will?” And for most species, these would be valid questions… in your case, no… you are all just dicks.

There are a few of you that stand out in my view of why Wasps are such vile and loathsome creatures, and I will tell you why.

First, there is the good ol’ Red Wasp (we have a couple of kinds around here) that I believe are Polistes Carolina or Perplexus. You guys fucking piss me off. What the hell is the matter with you? I mean, sure… you gotta protect your nest and shit, but dive bombing a human is a stupid idea. You fuckers have anger issues that you need to sort out. How your species is still around in this day and age of Wasp Killing Sprays is beyond me.  Every time I step outside now I have to check the eve of the house to make sure none of you retards are perched and waiting. It’s got me so upset that I am actually going to climb up in our fiberglass and spider filled attic in an effort to eradicate you.

Then there is the Red Wasps that I couldn’t find an accurate Taxonomy on… Quite like the Carolina/Perplexus crew, you are also fucking assholes… you just seem to be slightly smarter in that you don’t attack me from the nest area. It’s like you bastards have figured out how to set up outlying posts from which to do your generally asinine antics. That doesn’t mean I won’t kill you, too… oh no, I have figured out how to watch you winged demons as well. I have noted that you seem to have several ambush points around that tree out front and I will back track your happy asses to your base of operations… and then I am going to burn/spray until every last one of you is all siezed up and littering the ground.

So, in closing, let me extend this last bit of helpful information to all those Hymenoptera that I haven’t called Jihad on…

• Bees, keep making honey. I am willing to let you guys slide, because you pollinate my food and give me a sweet treat that I can mix with Peanut Butter… mmm.
• Ants, keep cleaning up all the junk that you like… I understand that you serve a purpose and I don’t mind that you like to come through the house every once in a while… just try and stay outa the kitchen (Except for fucking Fire Ants! I’m buying stuff to kill you when I buy the wasp spray today… teach you to ruin a lazy day in the back yard.).
• Mud Dobbers (aka Potter Wasps, aka Mason Wasps), you assholes need to leave the damned garage alone. Seriously… and stay away from the Spiders! I like those guys… they eat all kinds of unsavory bugs that you tend to ignore. I don’t really have anything against you mud slinging gimps, but you need to realize that if I get buzzed by another of you guys while walking to the car… there will be some serious retribution (see Red Wasp bit up there.)

Thank you,
Everett…

Wow… I’m still kinda dumbfounded by this one. The Internet just proved to be something more than a porn and game delivery service! No, really! I’ll give you a second to stop laughing at me… seriously… shut up.

I’ll just launch right into this one.

I went out for a smoke and checked the mail around 5:00… am… yeah, night shift makes you do crazy things. Well… there was actually an envelope with my name on it that didn’t appear to be from someone trying to sell me insurance on my nonexistent car. It shows to be from U.S. Claims Service… so I wasn’t really that excited. I figured it was just another bill that I’d neglected to pay or one of the banks that I owe money trying to hit me up for my last nickel and left arm.

Upon opening the envelope, I read that, “we have located money owed to a EVERETT ABBOTT that once resided or currently resides at HC2 BOX 147S LIBERTY TX.”

Whoah… that is actually me! The information is real… so I read on. Apparently this company has no ties to the government (State or National) but claims that they are licensed in Texas with the Department of Public Safety. They go on to say that I am apparently owed a sum of $235.00 by Entergy Gulf States and it’s going unclaimed. Unclaimed money!! NOOOOOOoooo! Well… actually I laughed it off, because shortly after telling me what I was owed they tell me what they are owed for helping me.

Now… I’m an internet fiend and general pessimist. My first thought is scam and my second thought is SCAM! But… is it a scam that I am willing to spend $25 to test? That was my dilemma. Luckily, they gave me the option to use their website and my credit card to facilitate the money loss.

www.USClaimsServices.com is listed on the notice along with a fool-proof set of directions to help old folks part with their credit card information… but I am still wary. I use their web address to run a whois and google search to find that they apparently are a real business… there are a couple of complaints with the CA-BBB but nothing major… if you can believe it. But still (thine quivering lip), I am ever wary of parting with money… mainly because I don’t actually have $25 at the moment.

Once again, the internet and Google are there to save my ass… see, one of the sites that Google gave me was a Ken’s Blog. On this site I found a URL for  Unclaimed.org, which took me to the Texas Unclaimed Property website. Within a couple of clicks, I was able to find that I was actually owed $235 by Entergy Gulf Coast. The site helps you fill out the claim form and either download/print it or have it mailed to you. Hell… I’m installing printer drivers as I type this so I can print mine and send it off…

I was so taken by this website that I proceeded to put in every person I know who has lived in Texas… and I actually found some interesting unclaimed funds notices… one person (Ms. Rabbit’s Sister) has several that add up to about $100… and there are a few that look like they could be my relatives. To anyone reading this, please… go to Unclaimed.org and check your local state for missing cash… I of course will be owed a 10% finders fee… in the form of a check or money order made out to “Lord Cash of Cashington 999 Cash Tree St. Cashburg, TX”… or… you know… PayPal or something.

Whoop! There goes the printer install! Lord Cashington, AWAY!

So… I guess I should drop a little info before delving into how freaky this little incident is.

Back at the end of 2006 there was a show released called The Lost Room. Now, at the time I was in Iraq and didn’t get to see it. I had actually been looking forward to the mini-series after seeing some of the promos and advertisements for it. I actually forgot about it until a couple of days ago when I was trolling the show list at EZTV.it and happened upon it. I decided that now was as good a time as any to catch up… and then realized it was only six episodes that were very hard to come by. It took me a while to actually find a few good seeds to get all six episodes. The links for the show are actually dead at EZTV so I had to go to places like Mininova.org and Demonoid.com to get my fix.

The Lost room centers around a guy named Joe who accidentally loses his daughter in this hotel/motel room that is like… stuck in another dimension or something. After the first episode he spends the rest of the shows entirety getting in way over his head… running into strange cabals that believe the “objects” (things that were once in the room that were removed and are now indestructible and do weird things) need to be reunited for different reasons including that they may actually be the pieces of God and that he wants us to put him back together again.I guess it’s like a modern day Humpty Dumpty idea…

Well… Joe runs into some strange objects. He meets a guy with a comb that stops time in short periods. He meets a guy with a pen that microwaves people in an instant. He meets a woman with a pair of scissors that have the power to “rotate” anything they are pointed at… including our hero Joe. Joe also finds a set of photos or Polaroids that appear to be very old. One of these pictures in labeled “Gallup” with a piece of tape in the upper corner. This picture turns out to be an object that has the power to see the Lost Room as it was if you are standing in the area that the room came from originally.  To be honest, I was really impressed with this show… even before my “incident” happened. I like the fact that they put a couple of plot twists in to keep things moving… even if they were a little foretelling and cliche’ in a few instances. All together the plot, actors, and objects worked well. When I finished the last episode I was wishing there was a sequel or something to keep the world/story going…. alas, it seems the show is dead and not prone to resurrection that I can find.

But, I digress… or something… actually the digression was planned… pfft. Now that you know a little about the show (if you haven’t seen it, I would recommend it for people that like SciFi) I can get on with my story… be it a short one.

As I mentioned there is a point when Joe get’s the photos and starts learning about them. Later he takes them to the Hotel (a run down and abandoned Motel on Route 66) where he figures out what the Gallup photo does. As he’s scanning the”room” through the photo he sees a man. I was fully engrossed and thoroughly intrigued at this point… then the phone rings. I was tempted to not even answer it, but I am a curious kind of guy (double meaning accepted). I punched pause and went to, at least, check the caller I.D. Now… this is where it gets strange… and fun.

When I picked up the phone I dearly dropped it… I’d just paused The Lost Room with a frame of Joe holding the Gallup Photo in his hand. I was looking at the caller I.D…. with the caller identified as “GALLUP”. I quickly hit the answer button and said in a timid voice, “H… hello.”

“Hello, to whom am I speaking?”, replied a female voice.

“Uh… who’s this?” I said with race of thoughts about crazy object collectors and whether or not I should start burning things in my room to test for indestructibility.

“My name’s Vicki and I am with Gallup Polling services calling on behalf of Wacovia bank. I’m trying to reach a Mr. Justin **** blah blah blah.”, and I realized life was still boring… unless I changed it up on her.

“Uh… he doesn’t live here anymore. I have the comb.”

“He doesn’t live… what?”

“I have the comb. Do you have the Hotel Key?”

“Sir?”

“Are you with The Order?”

“Sir if Mr. **** no longer…”

“Look, I am willing to trade the comb for the key… Or maybe the glass eye.”

“Thank you for your time, sir.”

“Wait! Are you with The Legion?”

“Good bye.”

And that was the end of that… I kinda wish she had played along. I guess she was busy.